5/21

With 석규 (Seokgyu) boy back where he belongs in 대구 (Daegu), I knew that my day was not about to be as interesting as the past few. My university had begun its summer semester, and I had opted to take math class as it was the only semester it was offered online. I worked in the morning at the Bread Blue until 2 pm, then, after my computer was totally bis tot (dead), I returned home to finish my math homework.... that consisted of an hour long pre-examination AND an entire homework assignment due by Arizona time 11:59pm (4 pm Seoul). I was exhausted, and decided to splurge on a coconut mung bean espresso smoothie from Smoothie King as it was my ~favorite~.
진 (Jin) had asked to meet at 7:30 pm for a date. I surprised him by exit 5, as he didn't realize he had chosen the closest exit to my home. He had expected me to come up from the subway.
We walk to 라임 (Lime) sushi, where we share a set menu of salad, a sushi roll, and curry.

The dinner is a bit quiet as we are both awkward and 진 speaks mostly Korean... which limits my vocabulary. However, I'm generally a very talkative person, so I attempted to keep a conversation going with all my might. 

After dinner he asks if I'm good at singing. I tell him no. Which is a lie. I mean to other people, I don't think I'm that great but hey I try. But if a Korean ever asks if you sing well its because THEY BOUTTA KIDNAP YOU TO 노래방 (nolae bang | Karaoke). AND I SUCK AT KOREAN KARAOKE!

Why? Because I only know Korean songs but I don't know their LYRICS WELL. And in front of other Koreans my giberrish is garbage. But then again... I have to challenge others.

"Are you?" 

He nods confidently so I agree to go. We sit down in the booth and I allow him to go first. He is...

horrible. Like I actually felt bad. My heart ached for him cause his voice was just not....................

but he somehow got 100 percent.

No wonder he thought he was good.

I tried next, and surprised him with my voice... and yet I got 32%. Okay. This thing is definitely broken.

After a few more songs he mentions he wanted to spend a little bit more time over a glass of wine. I am, if not already obvious, a total sucker for wine. And I didn't mind hanging out with him, so we found a second story, cozy, book filled wine cafe called Where are We?

It was actually very comfortable and enjoyable just to sit down and have a glass of wine. I was interested by the girl sitting a few seats down, who had her own bottle of red and simply reading a book by the window. I long for a life as simple as that.

But for now I would enjoy my time by 진 as we sipped on first a white and then a red. I let him pick, I wasn't partial to the white as it was sweeter but the red was nice. We snacked on pretzels from the soft speaking bartender with thick glasses, a pudgy complexion and tattoos hidden beneath his sleeves. 진 begins to speak more and more English... actually he begins to speak more and more in general as we drink. It was nice to just relax and have a good time.

He walks me home, even braving the giant hill that led to my apartment. We stop outside my door, and he tells me to close my eyes. And on the count of three to open them.

One... 

Two...

Three.

I open my eyes and see a single pink rose carefully bundled in white wrapping. My mouth drops as it had been a very long time since I had received flowers from a boy. 

I won't translate everything he said, but essentially told me that he really enjoys being with me, and that he wanted to be my boyfriend.

But my heart suddenly sank.

This has happened once before.

Its hard for me to put into words what I felt at the moment, but it was mostly guilt. Because I knew I had to let this very sweet, innocent boy down that had done nothing wrong. This was wonderful, absolutely amazing and I am honored and grateful. 

But I cannot do this again.

I explain to him that I'm not ready for a relationship, that I've just gotten out of one and I don't want to move to fast. He is surprisingly understanding and takes it quite well. I kiss his cheek and send him home, with the intent of explaining my feelings over messaging so that we could both understand better... thanks to translators.

Still, I am not sad. I am so grateful for the experience. I do not regret it but I wish to go more carefully into another relationship. Thank you 진, you are such a kind gentleman, and your chivalry is not lost on me. But for now, its just me, myself, and I.